The Lake

Thanks for the most excellent crits! They were all very helpful and I appreciate it tons. I'm stripping the poem down to the bones and fixing the clarity issues, hopefully.

-will edit in version two later-

something euclidean--


I got to the end of S2 and almost passed out from modifier overload.

To my ear, S1 alone is a stronger poem than the three stophes you have now.


Best,
Brad

You've really created some unique lines that I pretty much adore.

We hurt for the sting of honest salt.

our scraped selves are wrapped in the poultice of the woods

When she takes off and bats slow spirals

I'm back with an extra point...sorry about not really explaining much in my first one, but do you get the idea? I thought that the lines I struck were superfluous; they were nice, but didn't really contribute to the overall feel or meaning of the poem.

I've also figured out why some of the transitions seem weird/vague to me. The first and second stanzas have lake imagery, whereas the third has both lake and ocean. Why ocean? Branching beyond the lake? Covering the world? A neverending system as opposed to the more contained lake? Anyway, I was thinking about it, and I was like...freshwater? Saltwater? Conflict, no? I'm getting a feeling from the mix of bodies-of-water imagery, but I'm not entirely clear. Tell me if I got close?

And I totally agree with Fand. "Swish of ocean" is nice but you've shown that you're better than that.

-Colleen (again)

I still owe you a crit of this!

Don't let me forget

*laughs* Well, Colleen's stolen my comments before I could even think of them--right down to my favorite lines! Though I would like to point out that I also particularly enjoyed "We hurt for the sting of honest salt." There's a lot more to that than there appears to be on the surface.

One thing I really wasn't too fond of? "The swish of the ocean." *wince* With your vocabulary and apparent dexterity when it comes to manipulating words, you couldn't think of a better phrase?

Hey, something euclidean! I think it's been a while since you've posted; it's nice to see your work again.

I really enjoyed this piece. I think you did a great job.

I do think you could use a little less description and a little more substance...I do love the vivid imagery, but I felt like the beauty of this poem was muddled by the abundance of words.
All the things I've crossed out are things you could do without OR could replace. Lines in bold are ones I especially liked:

The wavelets of the lake pat against
your ankles, like a wagging [s]soggy[/s] dog
ready to shake and ecstatic to discover
a wet coat's ability to cause [s]absolute [/s]chaos.
But your dog is not here
and I am no such constant companion.

A blue heron stalks through weeds
before the drop-off, before the subtle bank
plunges down into the old mine shaft,
[s]filled over the decades, tunnels glugging
with the aching machinations of imagined
writhing eels.[/s] Her bent knobby knees
tell of your future. When she takes off
and bats slow spirals to get over the trees
you hold onto your hat and tell me
why you will always be going in circles
over a tunnel of dappled light
[s]and pond muck and corroded depths. [/s]
I kiss your cheekbones and your brow
trying to become comfort,
soothing like soft water and moss,
and say it isn't so. But I have always
been a terrible liar. [s]The woods know it
and call me out; the light knows it
and tries to catch you in a hammock strung
with sunbeams. [/s]

The sky shifts [s]in a fibonacci sequence,
in light and shadow, [/s]making new freckles
across our faces. Time is a nautilus.
We are stuck within its shell;
the constant swish of ocean will never
leave our ears, never touch our tongues.
[s]We hurt for the sting of honest salt.
It is easy to scratch our wounds and forget them;
our scraped selves are wrapped
in the poultice of the woods. [/s]
We walk in circles so we do not have to leave,
like the fish in the lake and the great human bird
above it, like the spirals of light;
we will scatter to the open sun and wind,
and disappear.

I congratulate you on the originality of your imagery and verbs and whatnot. Actually, just originality in general. So often people will write about a scene like you have here and it'll be just the same old images. This was refreshing. Hooray. (Excuse my being really incoherent. But I think you get the drift.)

I'd like to see things come together a little more...I didn't feel that the stanzas were all that connected. The transition from the first to the second was probably the worst.

Anyway, I liked it, good read, go you!
-Colleen

I would redo the linebreaks here. These are my suggestions:

The wavelets of the lake pat against
your ankles,[s] like [/s]a wagging,
soggy dog ready to shake
and ecstatic to discover a wet coat's ability
to cause absolute chaos. ( << to emphasize this phrase, i'd make it it's own line.)
But your dog is not here
and I am no such constant companion.